Pearl Harbor: The Abriged Script
by NetStalker
Summary: The Funny Script for Pearl Harbor


(This Script belongs too The Editing Room, not to me)  
  
  
PEARL HARBOR: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT  
  
By Rod Hilton  
  
  
INT. FILM STUDIO  
  
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY and PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER are  
collaborating on their latest effort, "The Explosion",  
and begin talking.  
  
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY  
Hey Jerry, you know how I like blowing  
stuff up? Well I was thinking, we should  
make a really patriotic movie like  
Armageddon, but at Pearl Harbor. We can  
blow up a lot of stuff.  
  
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER  
Sounds like a good idea to me, Mike, but  
how will we ever make a whole movie out  
of a single bombing?  
  
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY  
Hmm. Oh, we could add a completely  
extraneous and overdramatic love story!   
And I bet we could even make this  
monstrosity over three hours long!  
  
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER  
Brilliant! It'll cost more than the war  
itself! Ha ha ha!  
  
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY  
Mwa Ha ha ha ha!  
  
INT. MILITARY TRAINING  
  
BEN AFFLECK and JOSH HARTNETT are reading CLASSIC  
AMERICAN LITERATURE.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
I sure am enjoying my life as an  
American. America is great and full of  
great things, such as Americans.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Da.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
I am in love with Kate Beckinsale.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
She pretty.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Unfortunately, I am also in love with my  
country. I must go fight with the  
British. Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Kate.  
Kate, I won't have sex with you, because  
that will make all the women in the  
audience want me even more. Later.  
  
BEN AFFLECK DIES.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Now chance! Kate mine!  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
I don't think I should get together with  
you.  
  
KATE'S FRIENDS  
Then let us provide much dialogue to  
justify it. This way, you won't be hated.  
You should move on.  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
That's true. After all, Ben is dead.  
  
KATE'S FRIENDS  
Oh, I doubt that. But he is..well, such  
a weenie. Have you noticed he cries in   
almost every movie he does? You can do   
better.   
  
They notice JOSH HARTNETT picking bugs out of his hair   
and eating them.  
  
KATE'S FRIENDS  
Well, you can at least do differently.  
  
JOSH'S FRIENDS  
Let's also provide justification so you  
won't be hated. It'll make your death  
more dramatic.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Josh death?  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
Quiet. I love you.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Me laid!  
  
INT. EVIL JAPANESE BASE OF EVIL  
  
The JAPANESE MILITARY is planning something...EVIL.  
  
JAPANESE LEADER  
We must attack the Americans when they  
are sleeping and defenseless. Let's kick  
them in their collective balls and then  
pull their hair.  
  
GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT  
Hey! I don't believe it! A war movie  
where we're the enemies and we aren't  
faceless villians! Look at this! We have  
scenes, lines, faces! This is great! We  
have personalities!  
  
JAPANESE LEADER  
Yeah, personalities of pure evil.  
  
GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT  
Hmm. Good point. Let's express one line   
of regret. I wish we didn't have to kill   
as many people as possible in a horribly  
dastardly way.  
  
JAPANESE LEADER  
Good work.  
  
They plan their attack by wading around in small   
pools that have little plastic boats all around. This  
is FUCKING RIDICULOUS.  
  
INT. PEARL HARBOR  
  
BEN AFFLECK RETURNS  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Hey, I'm back. And I expect everything  
to be exactly the same as when I left.  
Everything is the same, right?  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
Er, well, uh..  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Gahh! My honor has ruined my life! I hate  
you, Josh Hartnett!  
(cries)  
  
He slugs Josh in the face unexpectedly, much like the  
JAPANESE MILITARY will do to AMERICANS the next day.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Pain! Josh mad! JOSH SMASH!!!  
  
They fight! Then they finish fighting.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Through our battle, we have discovered  
that we can coexist peacefully. Perhaps  
temporary violence truly is the answer.   
If we can resolve our differences, maybe  
there is hope for the world.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Actually, me still want bone Kate.  
  
EXT. VARIOUS OUTDOOR SCENES  
  
The JAPANESE MILITARY flies to PEARL HARBOR, passing by  
CHILDREN INNOCENTLY PLAYING STICKBALL, a COUPLE  
INNOCENTLY WATCHING THE SUN RISE, and an INNOCENT MOTHER  
AND DAUGHTER BEING INNOCENT TOGETHER.  
  
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY  
Almost there.. almost there...  
  
INT. MILITARY INTELLIGENCE  
  
DAN AYKROYD  
Hello, I am a codebreaker. We can't  
decode quickly enough to provide full  
evidence of the attack, so it's really no  
American's fault that Pearl Harbor is  
bombed.  
  
JON VOIGHT  
So, we're totally innocent here, right?  
  
DAN AYKROYD  
It appears that way, Mr. President.  
(pause)  
What the hell happened to me?  
  
EXT. PEARL HARBOR  
  
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY  
It's here!!!!  
  
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY begins headbanging to "One Step  
Closer" by Linkin Park  
  
Stuff gets BOMBED. Things EXPLODE. People gather  
around places and those places are BOMBED and they  
EXPLODE. LOUD BULLETS whiz by, hitting people, whose  
body parts EXPLODE. EXPLOSIONS ABOUND!  
  
AUDIENCE  
HELL YES! This is fucking badass! Wait,  
this is semi-historical. This actually  
happened, and I almost didn't realize it  
because of the incompetent direction of  
Action Director Michael Bay.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Get me in a plane.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Get plane!  
  
More EXPLOSIONS.   
  
CUBA GOODING JR. says his second line and shoots a plane  
down.  
  
CUBA GOODING JR.  
I am not an afterthought. I was in the  
script from the beginning. I promise.  
  
Eventually, BEN and JOSH get into planes. They take  
down 8 Japanese fighters!  
  
ALEC BALDWIN  
If only we had gotten Ben and Josh to a  
plane sooner. They could have won the war  
for us. Anyway, we're planning a special  
top-secret mission. We want you. Hey,   
does anyone know when I adopted this  
horribly over-the-top acting style?  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
I'm fully willing to do whatever my  
country asks of me. Any way I can help  
to win this war for our country.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Josh do war! Josh do war!  
  
ALEC BALDWIN  
Great. I can't wait till we drop the atom  
bomb of them.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
General, that's not for quite some time.  
  
ALEC BALDWIN  
Oh, really? I better tell Michael Bay, he  
had his heart set on an atom bomb  
sequence. Oh well, I'll see you soon.   
Now go talk to Kate Beckinsale.  
  
INT. PEARL HARBOR  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
As a female character in a Michael Bay  
movie, I can only exist in three states:  
In Love, Sad but Proud, and Confused.   
I'm the third one right now.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Because you don't know who you love?  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
Actually, it's because I don't know what  
I'm doing in such a paint-by-the-numbers  
film. I've won awards.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
So have I.  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
But I actually deserved mine. Anyway, I  
have a problem. You see, I still love  
you, Ben... but I'm pregnant with Josh's  
child.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Oh god. God, no! Josh Hartnett is...is...  
breeding!! NOOOOOO!  
(cries)  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
Yes. So while I love you, I must force  
myself to love him more. You'll always  
have a special place in my heart, Ben.  
But Josh will always have a special place  
in my pants. Plus, I flipped a coin.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Well, damn.   
(walking away)  
Oh well, I gotta go to war. Bye.  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
Ben? If you could see to it that one of  
you two dies out there, it will make my  
life a lot easier.  
  
EXT. TOKYO  
  
They BOMB Japan. The explosions aren't as big and we  
don't zoom in on actual people being killed. This is  
because we are not EVIL, merely VENGEFUL, and MORALLY  
CORRECT.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
(crying)  
Alright! We have achieved a small  
victory!  
  
ALEC BALDWIN  
It appears that we're out of fuel and  
must crash-land on enemy soil.  
  
They do so. There is a small gunfight. BEN sacrifices  
himself for JOSH. JOSH then sacrifices himself for BEN.   
BEN sacrifices himself for JOSH again. JOSH sacrifices  
himself for BEN once more. JOSH DIES.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Josh... dying.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
(crying)  
I suppose this is as good a time as any  
to tell you that you're a father.  
  
JOSH HARTNETT  
Josh father? Josh thought Josh impotent.   
Josh hooked on steroid. No matter. Josh  
dead.  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Josh? Josh? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
(pause)  
Okay, well, Kate's mine then.  
  
EXT. BACK IN AMERICA  
  
BEN RETURNS.  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
(quietly to self)  
..You love Josh. Not Ben. You love Josh.  
Not Ben. You love Josh. Not Ben.. You..  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
I'm back. Josh is dead.  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
Problem solved. Let's buy a farm and grow  
old together and raise little.. little...  
hmm, what should we call him?  
  
BEN AFFLECK  
Let's name him after the man whose brave  
actions led to our eternal love and  
happiness.. I think the guy who shot Josh  
was named Noriaki Sato.  
  
KATE BECKINSALE  
Perfect!  
  
END  



End file.
